One of the most challenging things in life is to stay engaged in a conversation when there are clearly very different ideologies at play. It doesn’t take long for someone to feel defensive or think they are being attacked. Especially when it comes to issues of dismantling racism, LGBTQ+ rights, spirituality, capitalism, God, patriarchy, and so much more.
I watch people go silent – from rage, disbelief, hopelessness and despair. It becomes so hard to imagine how someone can think so differently from ourselves. I think a big reason for such disconnect and the disappearance of empathy and compassion is that we may not recognize how we bring our past into the interaction. When I say “bring our past” I mean ALL of it. It’s a somatic experience which means all our emotions, hurts, judgments, bodily sensations, the stories and meaning-making we have done, come rushing forward.
We have to try to have good faith interactions, trying to learn more about the other person’s lived experience. In doing that, we are more likely to eventually come to an understanding, or connection. I don’t need to convince someone of anything in the moment, or “win you over.” I ask critical questions, and when there is an opening, I explain this is where I’m coming from, and this is why I believe what I believe, and reiterate why they believe what they believe.
The ‘past is what it is,’ but we do not often understand it and see it as it really is. The past recedes from us if we do not hug it to us, and the light that the changing perspective throws upon it makes it a pleasing background for present activities. – Myrtle Fillmore, Healing Letters
I can leave the interaction with something for the person to sit with, ponder or contemplate, and vice versa. They may even notice that I gave them space and respect. No one ever changes their mind in the actual acute situation of a conversation. It’s afterward when the conversation sits with them. If I rush in, with urgency, in my full armor, feeling defensive and projecting that defensiveness onto them, there is no hope of listening.
It makes sense in a way. Our world has become so volatile and uncertain, we retreat to a mindset of scarcity and separation. We may feel the ground slipping beneath us without something certain to hold on to. What I’ve learned is to stop when I discover I’m in such an experience, breathe and ask myself what’s the story I am telling myself? What am I “hugging” that needs to be loosened a bit? When we can do this, we are changing our perspective of our past, in order to change our present moment.
It makes sense in a way. Our world has become so volatile and uncertain, we retreat to a mindset of scarcity and separation.
It’s about learning how we can have a conversation again. When I sense that someone is engaging with me in bad faith, I don’t engage. It’s not worth my time or my energy. If someone’s trying to put me down or belittle me or approach a conversation as though there’s no other way but their way, I leave. I know it may not sound like the way of peace or liberation. It’s something I discern – experience to experience. I want to direct my courage, energy, joy, passion and commitment in ways that are fertile.
The way I have conversations with people of opposite beliefs is I don’t try to convince them of anything. As I said, stop trying to win people over. I stop trying to think I’m going to ah-ha them into changing their mind. When I enter a good faith conversation with someone where we are clearly facing an abyss between us, I try to learn more about where they are coming from, I ask questions, I use it as an experience.
I have learned to disarm myself in these conversations because too often we approach them with hostility – we get mad, they get mad. I believe what I believe; they believe what they believe. I also ask myself “what am I trying to get out of this conversation?” I may even ask the other person the same question.
The truth of the matter is economically, civically and beyond, our destinies and our prosperity and our well-being are tied, inextricably linked.
When we can truly see, believe, assert and understand how our destinies are tied, we can bring empathy, compassion and space for connection back into our challenging conversations and experiences. Always give what’s called “the Golden Gate of retreat.”
The Golden Gate of Retreat is giving someone enough space and opportunity so they have a sense of respect, worthiness and caring when they choose to leave the interaction. When we barrel through conversations almost forcing someone to change their mind, or to defend themselves, there’s no Golden Gate of retreat, there’s only the retreat of separation and disconnection.
The Golden Gate of retreat is a compassionate way to not hug my own past so tightly, while offering the spaciousness for the other person to do the same thing. It enables each of us to see the new light shining on our own pasts and perspectives, which can only make for a world that affirms the inherent goodness of our humanity.
An edited version of this article was published in Jan/Feb issue of Unity magazine.
Beautiful Kelly…thank you. Indeed, not just tolerance but seeing each others innocence, free from our past.
I grew up thinking there is a right way to think and that most people know what that is. Imagine my surprise when I realized that there may be more than one right way! My previous mind set was certainly divisive and judgmental. I think we have something to learn from everyone regardless of their mindset.
Well written. Perhaps, testify but don’t proselytize? Why continue when I sense the other is not open to listening–or I am not open to listening. While each conversation is different, caring for myself and my own consciousness is always primary.