Discipline, Obedience, Accountability – OH MY!

There are a few words I have had “allergies” to over the years. Words like discipline, obedience, and accountability. Some have a more intense allergic reaction than others, such as difficulty breathing, maybe getting itchy or nauseous. Of course I jest, yet they are words that have produced some measure of tension in my body because of previous life experiences.

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this. Say the words out loud and notice where your body contracts, or thoughts of resistance quickly pop-up in your brain. The dominant narrative of our grind culture has socialized us in such a way that these words have cousin-words linked to them – ideas such as fear, punishment, shame and guilt.

This is why in spiritual communities many of us can get activated the minute we hear “accountability,” “discipline” and certainly “obedience.” I grew up in a world where “obedience” was learning to be quiet, to submit and just follow the rules. Discipline rarely meant working at building a skill for the mastery and joy of it. Generally discipline had punishment connected to it somehow.

Of course these represent one small perspective of what some of my lived experiences taught me. However, discipline is a good thing, how else do you develop mastery with something like playing the piano or learning another language? Obedience really has taken a hard hit. There is an element of submission to its definition, and we know how fond we are of submitting to anything! Yet, most of us are obedient to some general rules and laws, such as the speed limit or not murdering a person. While the root of the word does include “submitting” and “to be ruled by,” it also means several other things including “willingness to serve,” “pay attention,” and “willingness to listen.”

Then there’s accountability. It can at times feel scary, uncomfortable or difficult. But what if it wasn’t so scary and didn’t activate feelings of guilt, shame or wrongdoing? At times I am triggered when accountability emerges because I believe I have caused hurt or failed someone in some way. With that can come the sense of inadequacy, and then I am off to the race of “not enoughness.”

But what if that wasn’t the case? What if we embraced accountability and learned to hold it as a skill in our spiritual toy box, a skill we can build? To begin with I need to stop thinking of accountability as a destination. Instead it’s an element of my process of spiritual maturation, and my practice of community well-being. Like any craft, I must practice and build my accountability muscles. I look around my world and see a myriad of ways I have become masterful at wielding swords of separation, scarcity, hurt, and fear. I learned these “skills” through practice.

If I value accountability then it’s important to make room in my world to practice it everyday. Not as a way to build a list of where I have “failed” but rather ways I can generously give myself large doses of grace when I notice I could have acted differently. Like most skills, I start small, with myself, and build from there – remembering it’s NOT a destination.

To start with myself means noticing how I don’t show up for me. Looking at all my relationships to acknowledge if there are ways I blow past my own boundaries, and beat myself up in any number of ways. How do I treat and talk to myself? Are they ways that I would clearly recognize as abusive if it were being done by another person?

What if we embraced accountability as a reflection of our glorious, tender and full humanity? What if it was an inspiring example of what it means to be flawed while in relationship with others? What if when I feel tension and discomfort from old wounds of guilt or shame connected to accountability, I see it as signals of life and caring? All the while pointing me to what is most important, such as being afraid of losing what I love so dearly, including myself?

What if I moved towards my own accountability and understood it as a gift, as a way to intentionally heal, restore and repair? To comfort and nourish myself and others? What if we understood our accountability, not as some small insignificant act, but as a drop of water in an ever-flowing stream of healing, care, and repair?

Being on a journey of building the skill of accountability is recognizing we have the potential to nourish our world while building these new pathways of trust, in small and large ways, individually and collectively. My commitment to adding spaciousness to my life is recognizing accountability needs room to be held as a precious practice of liberation and love, for each one of us. And let’s not forget, this isn’t just about humans, there’s the entire planet and ALL it’s inhabitants and ecosystems.

After all this talk about accountability, I can just feel through these words I’m typing and you are reading that some are devolving into overwhelm. Maybe even spiral into guilt because we say we cherish life and love, yet we know what we are doing is NOT that. What if we cherished opportunities to take accountability as precious moments to practice love – knowing the work of love is never done?

So I rest in the pause of my own overwhelm, and the bigness of accountability, and breathe. I rest, restore and repair before moving back into the journey of accountability. Through my pause and rest, I can more clearly see I have more practicing to do, and ever grateful it’s not a destination.

A shorter, edited version of this originally appeared in the July/Aug 2023 issue of Unity Magazine.