Caregivers Get Angry Too

Caregiving is a complex journey that brings a flood of emotions including gratitude, frustration, compassion, sadness, guilt and yes–anger and resentment. We oftentimes have self-critical chatter saying “I’m inadequate” or “I’m not enough,” because we think we shouldn’t get angry. Then when we condemn ourselves for even getting angry, we wind up feeling guilty, and anger surfaces again for even feeling angry. We become overwhelmed and oftentimes unable to forgive ourselves for how we are feeling.

We get angry at the illness and raw emotions and powerlessness that emerge with illness. Anger surfaces when our role is not acknowledged and we don’t have support from other family members. Caregiving will invariably require us to rearrange our lives, and we feel resentful because our life has been hijacked. As caregivers we find ourselves working with all of this, while simultaneously coping with the grief of losing the person we are caring for.

In my life I have had the sacred privilege of caring for several people prior to their death. My dad was ill for 8 years with cancer, and I spent the last 4 months of his life as a caregiver. Our relationship had always been rocky, and so I expected nothing less as his caregiver. Even given the fact that my mother was a hospice nurse, and I was raised with hospice knowledge as part of everyday life, I can tell you that anger and resentment were a natural part of my days with my dad.

Then about two years after that I cared for my beloved for 9 months as he died of AIDS related illnesses. This relationship was not riddled with conflict the way my relationship with my dad was, but again, anger and resentment were a normal part of my journey with him too. Say it out loud to yourself and to a friend, “This is a natural and normal part of my caregiving relationship.”

I’ve been a caregiver several times in my life, and have noticed that the closer I was to the person, the more likely I was to get angry, and more resentful because this person I loved so deeply was leaving me. Over the years I have learned many practices to make peace with the anger that can emerge as a caregiver, and I offer a few here in the hopes that the caregiving relationship can bring you an added sense of closeness, perhaps a healing, or an experience of sacredness you might never have known otherwise.

It is imperative to admit when you are feeling angry, it’s normal and natural to feel it. We are human, and no one can balance all dimensions of life seamlessly. Regardless of the anger and the circumstances in the moment–you are enough, and your presence here matters. How you feel does not define you, nor can it change the fact that you were created inherently good.

Engage in self-compassion, which has three components: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness. Mindfulness is about focus. When anger arises, pay attention to the task at hand, even if it’s unpleasant. For instance, if you find your mental chatter is “I hate doing this, why can’t I get some help,” or “This is awful! I don’t want to do this every morning!” Shift your attention to the moment to moment action of the task itself… “So now I’ll put this here… then I put that there. Next I do this…” If you focus your attention on the little pieces of the task it relaxes the brain, like unclenching your fist. You will breathe more freely and deeply, releasing the anger.

Sometimes mindfulness is simply acknowledging what is live in the moment, for instance, when we realize our anger, resentment or pain, say outlaid to ourselves or better yet to a friend, “This is suffering… this hurts… I am overwhelmed and feel resentful.” It is important to acknowledge how we are feeling, especially the feelings that are uncomfortable and our head starts the “should” chatter about how it’s not ok to feel the way we do. Instead, try going with what is, stop arguing with reality and be mindful of what is alive within you in the moment.

While we don’t want to build our house in these feelings, it is the start of any healing process, the beginnings of relieving stress and anxiety so that we might experience relief, rest and gentleness for ourselves and the person for whom we care.

The second component of self-compassion is “common humanity,” remembering you are not alone. Suffering is a part of everybody’s life, it just looks different for each of us, but we all struggle. So make little index cards that say things like, “Other people feel this way,” or “I know I am not alone,” and put them in cupboards and drawers, or on a mirror so you won’t forget. When you feel angry, close your eyes and put your hands on your heart. Feel your gentle, warm hands touching each other as a physical reminder of our common humanity–you are not alone.

Finally, practice kindness. Ask yourself, “What words of kindness do I need to hear?” What would you say to your best friend? Something like, “I know this is really hard, and it makes sense you are feeling angry. I’m here for you.” Now say it to yourself. Create a few phrases of kindness that resonate with you, words you can speak to your body, to your mind and to your soul.

Take a self-compassion break often, it doesn’t take a lot of time, but it will allow you to keep your heart open, help you nurture and care for yourself, which in turn helps you in caring for others. Blessings on your journey – if no one has told you today, let me the first, “I give you my compassion, acceptance, forgiveness, strength and love. Your presence here matters – in more ways than you can know.”